Engagement: if you're kneeling in the mud, I want to be there too

So in 'Engagement: A Treasure Hunt round Durham' I wrote about the wonderful afternoon I had looking for 10 clues hidden all over one of my favourite cities. But in this blog I'm going to talk about the 'big question' a bit more. 

On each of the clues was written a Bible verses for me to look up and think about as I wandered round. As I had lunch I looked over clues 1-5 and the corresponding verses, as I'd been too excited to look them up up until that point. After that, as I gently rolled my eyes about going to the Library on my day off, I glanced to my left and a beautiful rainbow reaching it's arms across Durham caught my eye. If Nathan had have hidden that particular clue in the smaller library in College, or indeed, anywhere else in Durham I'd not have got to see the rainbow. 

Here's the thing about rainbows: they often appear at important moments. In my third year of Uni, I had a bit of a tricky and difficult time and as a break, me and Mum had a couple of days in Durham. All the way from Chester to Retford, and from Retford to Durham, there were rainbows. This was my first visit to Durham, so when I got recommended to train for the ministry I know I had to move here to train. Rainbows mean that somewhere the sun is breaking through the clouds, and, as with Noah's Flood, rainbows are a sign that God will not abandon us. The sight of that rainbow on the day we got engaged showed me that God was present in the day, as we prayed that he would be. I had been grumbling ever so slightly because I'd been sent to the big library far away rather than the closer one, but i well and truly learned the lesson that other people know what they're doing, and that things can be wonderful, even when I'm not in control!

So spirit lifted and with a glad heart, I got on with the rest of the treasure hunt. In the end, I found myself in Starbucks where the wedding vows were written out on the final clue. At the bottom Nathan had written a final Bible passage. This passage, from the prophet Zephaniah, helped me trust that it was the right thing to start a relationship with Nathan last year. I'll readily admit that I've been hurt in relationships in the past, and last December Nathan and I had a lovely evening chatting and listening to music. He quickly became one of my best friends when I moved to College, and we had been flirting and getting to know each other for a while but when it looked like we could actually start a relationship that night, I just freaked out. I was terrified of the feelings I had, I knew that a College relationship was a stupid idea, and above all I knew that I could get very hurt if I wasn't careful. 

That night in December last year, I wandered back to my room to practise the reading for Church in the morning, sat down on my bed, looked up the passage, flipped open my Bible and burst into tears. I don't think that any Bible passage has ever spoken to me so powerfully. Zephaniah 3.14-20 says;

'Sing, O daughter of Zion... be glad and rejoice with all your heart! For the Lord will remove his hand of judgement and will disperse the armies of your enemy... at last your troubles will be over and you will never again fear disaster...'

Both that night in December and then again on the day if our engagement, 'you will never again fear distaster' was a huge encouragement and blessing in the face of something scary, big and exciting. As excited as I was to get engaged to Nathan, sitting calmly and reading those words in Starbucks, I knew I was ready to go and meet Nathan on the bridge to get engaged. I wandered along my favourite stretch of river, and as I listened to the sound of the water moving along the weir, I meditated on those words and felt an incredible sense of peace. 

When I got to the bridge Nathan was stood waiting in the orange streetlight. We had a big hug and a bit of a chat about the day before walking across the bridge. We walked past the point where I thought it might happen and stopped under the other Narnia-like Street lamp on the other side of the bridge. It turns out that this was because Nathan wanted me to see the ring and it had turned dark.

But when Nathan got down on one knee and pulled the box out of his pocket I didn't even look at what was inside it before quickly saying 'yes' and bending down to give him a kiss. 

All I could think was how much I wanted it to be over. This sounds incredibly harsh, and that feeling completely took me by surprise. But I just hated the power dynamic. I really didn't like him being on the floor when I was stood up. I wanted it to be over so that dynamic would change. And instead of being completely filled with joy, I felt awkward and  therefore completely fluffed everything I said. There was no elegance, no eloquent response, no dramatic pause, no tears. There was just me, trying to hurry things up.

The thing is, we've both been in badly balanced relationships in the past so one of our goals from the very beginning was not to have double standards and to treat each other equally. We have found that we're very good at looking good after the other person better than ourselves, but it usually balances out in the end. 

But in that moment, when Nathan was kneeling in the mud, that's exactly where I wanted to be too. 

That is because we go through things together. We work at things together. We face the world together. There is nothing that one of us can go through that the other won't feel in some way as well. We're a team. And when he's on the floor getting muddy knees, that's where I want to be too.

All my life I have been watching chick flicks, rom coms, period dramas, classic movies and comedies with proposals in them. I always dreamed I'd be elegant, graceful, eloquent, witty and the ultimate heroine that I picture in my head. I never dreamed that I would actually be like Alice on the Vicar Of Dibley, who sees her boyfriend kneeling on the floor and awkwardly tries to kneel there too because she just wants to be down there with him. 

But that's what I did. Once he had proposed, I said yes and crouched down to be there on the floor with him. I said 'speaking of rings... will you marry me?' as I pulled his recently resized silver ring out of my pocket. From the get go, we enthusiastically decided that if I was getting a ring, so was Nathan because, like I said, we're equals. If I get bling, so does Nathan. We exchanged rings when we stood up and Nathan said 'hello, fiancé' to which I let out a very loud squeal of delight, which I'm sure could have been heard the other side of the river! 

And that was it! I was initially disappointed at my lack of grace and poise when it came to saying 'yes'. But now I look back, I'm pleased it happened like that because I was just me. Nothing has ever been picture-perfect-happily-ever-after with us- our first kiss was walking along a dual carriage way! There's been lots of fun and the occasional bump in the first 10 months of being together. We've had big decisions to make and so much seems to have happened in a short space of time. 

In writing this I've tried to capture the memory of how getting engaged felt. It was a wonderful day with so much beauty and depth, with surprises, treats and fun. But as we settle into being engaged, both the chaos and joy of life mean that the memory is already starting to fade, and the bubble was quickly burst a week later. As a friend said 2 days after the treasure hunt, 'It stops being fun very quickly'. That might well be true with regards to being engaged, as we are busy people with what feels like thousands of things to juggle! But being a part of this team is, and will always be, a joy and a blessing. 

So this is our engagement story, and it's a story I am yet to get bored of telling! I hope you enjoyed reading the second installment as much as I enjoyed reliving it as I wrote it.

Much love,

Poppy