Engagement: if you're kneeling in the mud, I want to be there too

So in 'Engagement: A Treasure Hunt round Durham' I wrote about the wonderful afternoon I had looking for 10 clues hidden all over one of my favourite cities. But in this blog I'm going to talk about the 'big question' a bit more. 

On each of the clues was written a Bible verses for me to look up and think about as I wandered round. As I had lunch I looked over clues 1-5 and the corresponding verses, as I'd been too excited to look them up up until that point. After that, as I gently rolled my eyes about going to the Library on my day off, I glanced to my left and a beautiful rainbow reaching it's arms across Durham caught my eye. If Nathan had have hidden that particular clue in the smaller library in College, or indeed, anywhere else in Durham I'd not have got to see the rainbow. 

Here's the thing about rainbows: they often appear at important moments. In my third year of Uni, I had a bit of a tricky and difficult time and as a break, me and Mum had a couple of days in Durham. All the way from Chester to Retford, and from Retford to Durham, there were rainbows. This was my first visit to Durham, so when I got recommended to train for the ministry I know I had to move here to train. Rainbows mean that somewhere the sun is breaking through the clouds, and, as with Noah's Flood, rainbows are a sign that God will not abandon us. The sight of that rainbow on the day we got engaged showed me that God was present in the day, as we prayed that he would be. I had been grumbling ever so slightly because I'd been sent to the big library far away rather than the closer one, but i well and truly learned the lesson that other people know what they're doing, and that things can be wonderful, even when I'm not in control!

So spirit lifted and with a glad heart, I got on with the rest of the treasure hunt. In the end, I found myself in Starbucks where the wedding vows were written out on the final clue. At the bottom Nathan had written a final Bible passage. This passage, from the prophet Zephaniah, helped me trust that it was the right thing to start a relationship with Nathan last year. I'll readily admit that I've been hurt in relationships in the past, and last December Nathan and I had a lovely evening chatting and listening to music. He quickly became one of my best friends when I moved to College, and we had been flirting and getting to know each other for a while but when it looked like we could actually start a relationship that night, I just freaked out. I was terrified of the feelings I had, I knew that a College relationship was a stupid idea, and above all I knew that I could get very hurt if I wasn't careful. 

That night in December last year, I wandered back to my room to practise the reading for Church in the morning, sat down on my bed, looked up the passage, flipped open my Bible and burst into tears. I don't think that any Bible passage has ever spoken to me so powerfully. Zephaniah 3.14-20 says;

'Sing, O daughter of Zion... be glad and rejoice with all your heart! For the Lord will remove his hand of judgement and will disperse the armies of your enemy... at last your troubles will be over and you will never again fear disaster...'

Both that night in December and then again on the day if our engagement, 'you will never again fear distaster' was a huge encouragement and blessing in the face of something scary, big and exciting. As excited as I was to get engaged to Nathan, sitting calmly and reading those words in Starbucks, I knew I was ready to go and meet Nathan on the bridge to get engaged. I wandered along my favourite stretch of river, and as I listened to the sound of the water moving along the weir, I meditated on those words and felt an incredible sense of peace. 

When I got to the bridge Nathan was stood waiting in the orange streetlight. We had a big hug and a bit of a chat about the day before walking across the bridge. We walked past the point where I thought it might happen and stopped under the other Narnia-like Street lamp on the other side of the bridge. It turns out that this was because Nathan wanted me to see the ring and it had turned dark.

But when Nathan got down on one knee and pulled the box out of his pocket I didn't even look at what was inside it before quickly saying 'yes' and bending down to give him a kiss. 

All I could think was how much I wanted it to be over. This sounds incredibly harsh, and that feeling completely took me by surprise. But I just hated the power dynamic. I really didn't like him being on the floor when I was stood up. I wanted it to be over so that dynamic would change. And instead of being completely filled with joy, I felt awkward and  therefore completely fluffed everything I said. There was no elegance, no eloquent response, no dramatic pause, no tears. There was just me, trying to hurry things up.

The thing is, we've both been in badly balanced relationships in the past so one of our goals from the very beginning was not to have double standards and to treat each other equally. We have found that we're very good at looking good after the other person better than ourselves, but it usually balances out in the end. 

But in that moment, when Nathan was kneeling in the mud, that's exactly where I wanted to be too. 

That is because we go through things together. We work at things together. We face the world together. There is nothing that one of us can go through that the other won't feel in some way as well. We're a team. And when he's on the floor getting muddy knees, that's where I want to be too.

All my life I have been watching chick flicks, rom coms, period dramas, classic movies and comedies with proposals in them. I always dreamed I'd be elegant, graceful, eloquent, witty and the ultimate heroine that I picture in my head. I never dreamed that I would actually be like Alice on the Vicar Of Dibley, who sees her boyfriend kneeling on the floor and awkwardly tries to kneel there too because she just wants to be down there with him. 

But that's what I did. Once he had proposed, I said yes and crouched down to be there on the floor with him. I said 'speaking of rings... will you marry me?' as I pulled his recently resized silver ring out of my pocket. From the get go, we enthusiastically decided that if I was getting a ring, so was Nathan because, like I said, we're equals. If I get bling, so does Nathan. We exchanged rings when we stood up and Nathan said 'hello, fiancé' to which I let out a very loud squeal of delight, which I'm sure could have been heard the other side of the river! 

And that was it! I was initially disappointed at my lack of grace and poise when it came to saying 'yes'. But now I look back, I'm pleased it happened like that because I was just me. Nothing has ever been picture-perfect-happily-ever-after with us- our first kiss was walking along a dual carriage way! There's been lots of fun and the occasional bump in the first 10 months of being together. We've had big decisions to make and so much seems to have happened in a short space of time. 

In writing this I've tried to capture the memory of how getting engaged felt. It was a wonderful day with so much beauty and depth, with surprises, treats and fun. But as we settle into being engaged, both the chaos and joy of life mean that the memory is already starting to fade, and the bubble was quickly burst a week later. As a friend said 2 days after the treasure hunt, 'It stops being fun very quickly'. That might well be true with regards to being engaged, as we are busy people with what feels like thousands of things to juggle! But being a part of this team is, and will always be, a joy and a blessing. 

So this is our engagement story, and it's a story I am yet to get bored of telling! I hope you enjoyed reading the second installment as much as I enjoyed reliving it as I wrote it.

Much love,

Poppy

Engagment: A treasure hunt round Durham

Two weeks ago, Nathan asked me to marry him! I can't say that it was much of a surprise, because as ordinands we both needed permission from our Bishops to get engaged. As I wrote to the Bishop of Southwell and Nottingham 2 weeks earlier, I knew it couldn't be far away. Nathan had also requested that I keep the 5th November free, and so I did.

I woke up on the Saturday morning and we had a chilled morning watching Gavin and Stacey and drinking the new coffee that I had purchased the day before. I went for my shower and Nathan disappeared. I pottered around in my room tidying up and filing until he returned at about 2.15. 

He walked into my room and gave me a white envelope with some instructions inside! The envelope had been wax sealed and the paper had a gold embossed 'P' at the top. 

So, I was going on a treasure hunt! Nathan had left 9 other clues scattered about the city, and I needed a pen, journal, coat, phone, earphones and Bible! There was also an old looking (stained with tea, I think) map stuck to my door. 

Upon reading the first clue, I excitedly kicked off my slippers and gathered together the suggested items. I knew in my giddiness I was likely to have forgotten something so I checked, double checked and triple checked that I had everything I needed with me before heading out. Here I am, ready to go on a treasure hunt!

So the first clue sent me to my pigeon hole in the Common Room where many a happy hour has been spent! Next, I went to the Leech Hall where we have our lectures, College Communion and parties! After one memorable night out, Nath and I ended up in Leech Hall dancing to no music. Another great spot for a treasure hunt clue, and this time, a bar of chocolate was attached to it!

As if I needed an excuse to go, this envelope said 'you owe your birthday saint a visit'! St Cuthbert is buried in Durham Cathedral and his feast day is my birthday. This has always spoke very powerfully to me, and helped me decide to move to Durham in the first place. I got there and hunted high and low for another clue, and I definitely know all the crooks and crannies of that Chapel now! After texting for some more help, I found the clue hidden under the altar (it turns out that if you speak to the head Sacriston, they can show you the best hiding places!)! There was another bar of chocolate and I sat to join in with the prayers that took place at 3pm.

After visiting my favourite spot in Durham Cathedral, I was sent to 'the place of beer, not of books' which can only mean Durham Library pub, which I always love going to. Nathan and I ended up in here after our second date. I asked behind the bar and the man gave me my next envelope, which contained another clue and a tenner for lunch! As I scoffed my bbq pulled pork topped fries and Crazy Goat Cider  (another favourite, only usually found at Greenbelt!) I had a chance to go through and read my clues again, and to look up the Bible verses that were included in them. 

Next, I was to go to the other kind of library. There is only one person that I would go to the library for on a day off, I can tell you!! But the 20 minute walk there was completely worth it to find the next clue hidden in my favourite book which had been planted on a shelf. 

At this point we're only half way through and I can feel myself getting very excited and wanting to get to the remaining clues as quickly as possible! I headed back into the middle of town to my favourite cake shop where the next clue was waiting for me in a bag complete with a piece of red velvet cake! I was supposed to sit and eat this but it was cold and I wanted to crack on! So I had a selfie with the lovely cake ladies and went on my way.

The next two clues were a little harder to find because they were outside and therefore were well hidden! Clue 8 was hidden at the bus stop where Nathan picked me up from giving blood, and clue number 9 was hidden under the steps on the way to the railway station where we have been on so many adventures together already. It took me much longer to find these, but like the genius he is, Nathan had put them inside plastic wallets so that they wouldn't get wet if it rained.

The last clue took me to Starbucks where the envelope was behind the counter with a £10 note, presumably for a drink. 

However the letter said 'when you're ready, come and find me on Prebends bridge'. So I skipped the drink and took myself down the river to the bridge in question. When there, Nathan got down on one knee and asked me to marry him. I said yes, and gave him his ring too! We then wandered back to Starbucks for a drink to warm up before getting in a taxi to go for a meal at the restraunt where we had our first date. 

It was a truly magical day, with so many bits designed beautifully to make me smile! It was all so creative, and it was such a joy to be a part of!

There's a lot more to the day than what I have described above, so as I process I will form another blog about engagement, and God's hand within the day.

Also, thanks to Durham Cathedral, The Library Durham, Sweet Tooth Durham and Durham Starbucks for helping to facilitate our day!

When the fire all but died

I have been trying to avoid writing this blog for some weeks. But after several 'coincidences' over the past 2 weeks, I'm taking the plunge. So here is the warning: this is going the be a brutally honest post.

Prayer. Talking to God.

Prayer. Giving space for God to talk to you.

Prayer. A somewhat crucial part of being a church leader.

When I went to my Vicar Interview (Bishop's Advisory Panel) in January 2015, I received the following feedback: 'There is a certain naivety in the way that Poppy suggests that prayer 'works'.' This has become a bit of a joke amongst my close friends because how dare someone hoping to be selected to go to Vicar School suggest that prayer works?  How utterly ridiculous to confidently assert that you think that there is a point to talking to God when you would like to lead a church in the future.

Well, the joke is now on me. Kind of.

I have been hugely affected by the death of a young woman who I never met. I won't go into much detail about how silly I feel about this, considering I never met her, but nevertheless, after 2 years of praying for healing it did not happen. 5 weeks before her death, I saw my Mum in hospital tied up to all kinds of tubes, unable to speak, with a very swollen face. She is now, thankfully, better. But these two events brought me face to face with suffering in a way that I am yet to get over.

Added to this, being constantly soaked in theology, Church services and passionate debate at Vicar School has left me somewhat numb to it all. In my previous patches of struggle in my spiritual life, I have moved past it by a close encounter with God in church. But at Vicar School, church happens every day and the depths of my confusion and pain are yet to be overcome.

The link between prayer and the death of a young women I never met is this: the world is a mess and people die unjustly. I cannot change that, but I know and believe someone can (that's God, by the way). So what is he playing at?

I do not believe that God needed another angel.
I do not believe that God made this happening to prevent further suffering because the God I love wouldn't slowly kill someone with a terminal illness for two years in order to save them from pain later on.
I do not believe that this suffering has taught us any lessons that were worth learning compared to the pain caused.

I wrote my undergraduate dissertation on The Problem of Evil and came to the conclusion that this an important question to ask, but it's what we do about the suffering that matters. Yeah, good 'un Pops, but what can be done about this kind of suffering? I am helpless to prevent this kind of suffering, and loss of life like that is just wasteful. I've gone round in circles for months and I've been in a bit of a rut. I'm left with nothing but a stubborn kind of conscientiousness in which this trainee vicar is at a loss about what to say to God. But I plod on anyway because I refuse to do this vicar thing without integrity, and if I'm not at least trying to pray then what is the point?

But that doesn't mean to say that there haven't been special moments between last December and now, because there have. Several Bible readings, worship songs, Church services, conversations with people I love and humbling encounters with congregation members have really touched my heart. Greenbelt was great, Thy Kingdom Come was great, placement was great, Holy Week was great, Christmas was great and weekly College Communion is pretty much always great. But nothing has yanked me out of this theological hole that I've been exploring and getting to know quite well.

I'm used to spiritual storms. Storms, I can do. It's the drought that is new. Feeling like my prayers are hitting the ceiling and falling to the floor with a kind of limp, near lifeless thud. I've been feeling like everything is dry, old and cracked. I've had to do a lot of discerning over the past year, but I've been leaning on my past experiences and been having dealings with God is a more military fashion. 'What do you want me to do next, Sir?' as I stood to spiritual attention and awaited the next command. The result is that I've followed to directions given, but my relationship with God has not deepened. Like I said, it's very dry and barren at the moment, but I do feel like I'm moving forward. I may be heading out of the desert or I might be heading into yet more desert, I can't tell other than I am in fact, moving.

But there is hope, as this morning's Bible reading reminds us:

'The desert and the parched land will be glad;
The wilderness will rejoice and blossom.
Like a crocus, it will burst into bloom;
It will greatly rejoice and shout for joy...
Water will gush forth in the wilderness and streams in the desert.
The burning sand will become a pool, the thirsty ground bubbling springs.
In the haunts where the jackals once lay,
Grass and reeds and papyrus will grow' (Isaiah 35. 1-2, 6-7)

When I was on placement over the summer, I expressed a little of what I've written about here and what advised to read 'God on Mute' which, conveniently, I was given about 18 months ago and have been meaning to read ever since. I have begun reading this book, and I think it's going to help. I just wanted to capture this feeling so that I could encourage myself should it ever happen again.

And what if 'God on Mute' doesn't help? Well I'll keep going and pushing forwards with that stubborn conscientiousness until something works, because I know something will at some point.

Ultimately, I like to think that what my Mum says is true. She says that when it comes to God, we get points for trying.