It turned out that it was new friend Nathan who walked in, not that person from my past. But never the less, this case of mistaken identity really put me on my guard around Nathan and I knew it was something that I had to work and pray through if I stood any chance of having a friendship with Nathan. As a person brand new to Theological College at that point, I didn't want to write anyone off, especially for such a daft reason: that they looked like somebody that I used to know. So I prayed through that feeling of fear and began to see Nathan for the man he is, rather than the person he looks like.
It turns out that even though Nath had the odds stacked against him because of the memories his presence stirred up inside me, God can really work miracles. From that time when the sight of a new friend stirred up hundreds of bad memories of an old aquaintance, my heart and I have come a long way.
My heart still skips a beat when I see Nathan, but for an entirely different reason now. It's because I love him, rather than because he reminds me of someone from messy days gone by. After the Quiet Day last year, I gained a wonderful friend through hours of talking and laughing over cups of pepper,isn't tea. We had much in common at the same time as expanding each other's horizons with our own unique passions and interests.
Gradually, a niggle grew and my heart skipped in a different way. I had known similar feeling before, but this time I absolutely didn't want them. I tried to walk, run and stamp them out. Because what kind of an idiot falls for another Ordinand? It's a logistical nightmare that I won't bore you with right now but it's Just. Plain. Stupid.
But somewhere along the way, I noticed a pattern in my inner dialogue that resonated with another conversation I've had with myself over the years. When I realised that my inner battle about my feelings for Nathan looked much like my inner battle about my calling to ordained ministry, I began to suspect that I might need to do something about it.
Wind forward 9 months and I'm in Cuth's Chapel for the Induction Week Quiet Day again, astounded at how different my life looks now. Calling tips your own plans upside down and takes you to places you had never imagined. 5 years ago I was simply studying theology for love, but now I'm an Ordinand in the Church of England, studying for my Masters at the University of Durham, with several international place,nets under my belt and I've fallen in love with the boy across the hall and we're going to Formby together in June.
Wow!
Letting God in to transform your life isn't always easy, but it leads to a life that's full of surprises. The journey I just mentioned might look amazing and shiny, but there's been some sacrifices along the way. When you just about think you're settled and you've got the future planned, God comes along and shakes up the snow globe again.
I was really happy, willing and delighted to go home and serve Southwell and Nottingham Diocese as a curate. I love the people there, and I think they're fond of me too. But it became clear that beginning to think of 'we' rather than 'me' meant that going back home wasn't right at this point. It's been a hard decision to make, and it will inevitably get more painful when we more to Liverpool and my friends are fewer and my family are further. But in the constant formation of life and heart, God called us to Formby and I couldn't be more excited about that!
Sat here in Cuth's Chapel right now, I'm overwhelmed at the grace God has shown me, and the distance I have come in a year. My heart still skips a beat, but in an entirely different way.
